


Unexpected

by ashalili



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-09 09:11:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 18,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1977204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashalili/pseuds/ashalili
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Batman is on hiatus and Joker is angry and wants to know why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> None of this belongs to me!

Joker stared at his reflection in the mirror, touching up his makeup. His hands were shaking so badly, like a junkie needing a fix, that he missed most of his scars and looked more unkempt than usual.

“Fuck!” He swore, throwing the lipstick in the sink and punching the mirror. It spiderwebbed and he relished the feeling of the glass in his knuckles, so he punched it again and again. He braced his hands on the edges of the sink and hung his head. His lips were moving, but no sounds coming out. Joker looked back into the mirror, distorted reflection staring back at him, eyes unfocused.

“A year.” He muttered, “He's been gone a year. HOW COULD HE LEAVE ME?!” He bellowed.

Joker's sensitive ears caught a bunch of scuffling down in the warehouse. His Hench-clowns must have heard him yell and decided that it was better to be scarce. Joker took a breath and went to the bathroom door. He flung it open and stepped out into the upper office.

The office was a mess, tipped over furniture, papers strewn everywhere. It looked like a tornado had blown through. Joker let out a humorless chuckle, going over to the desk and looking through some of the newer papers. He picked up a stack and started reading. He grunted and threw the paper behind him. Sooner than he would have liked, his hands were empty. He growled into the empty room. Joker could hear footsteps starting up the stairs towards him. Joker stared at the door, waiting. A timid knock followed by one of his goons sticking his head in.

“H-hey, Boss. I know you said not to disturb you, but t-there's something on the TV y-you should-” His words cut off as a knife was thrown into his skull. The body dropped with a thump.

“I said not to disturb me!” He growled at the dead goon. Joker walked over to the door and threw it open so hard plaster rained down on him. As he went through the door, after kicking the body for good measure, he grabbed his good knife out of the goon's forehead. Joker stomped down the stairs and threw open the door to the appointed TV room. Seven guys sat around watching the TV. All seven heads swiveled towards the door. A couple faces drained of color at the livid look on Joker's face.

“What did I, ah, say about disturbing me?!” He asked the men.

“N-not to disturb you, Boss.” One of the braver-or stupider-men replied.

“Exactly!” Joker said, taking out his knife and scraping under his nails with it, “So why was I disturbed?” He growled.

Not one of the men was stupid enough to answer, one just pointed at the TV. It was paused on a news station. A different guy picked up the remote-Mickey, the Joker thought-and pressed play. The blonde reporter started talking.

“And now, in other news. An apparent sighting of the Batman.” She paused, looking dramatically at the camera, “Two lesser known criminals were seen at an attempted breaking and entering. A few minutes later, a surveillance camera caught them fleeing away from the docks, chased by the Batman.” She paused again, and Joker nearly threw his knife through the TV, “If anyone has any information about either Batman or the two criminals, please call the GCPD right away. Steve?” She turned to the man next to her.

“Well, Brenda, that's quite the-” He was cut off as Mickey paused the TV again.

“Well, well, well.” The Joker tapped his lip with the tip of his knife, “This certainly needs some investigating.”

The Hench-clowns were silent as the Joker contemplated what to do. A couple shifted nervously, as Joker's tapping started again. None of them dared to ask if the Joker needed help.

“Aha!” He started laughing manically, “You boys, grab a few others. Take down a bank on the opposite side of town. Take as long as you can. If the police are out there, I want them distracted.”

“I-is that it, Boss?” Another guy, Ernie, asked, “You don't want us to try and lure the Bat and see if he's out there?”

“No!” Joker growled, “Leave the Bat to me!” He looked over the Hench-clowns, “Why are you still here?!” The Joker grinned as the men scrambled up and out of the room before he killed one of them. The Joker's laugh followed them out of the warehouse.

**********************************

 

The Joker ended up in the Narrows, down at the docks, looking for some clues. He frowned in thought. Was this sighting of the Bat real or just another imposter? He shook his head, thinking of all the other imposters he had killed over the last year. He grinned maliciously, served them right for getting his hopes up.

Joker looked down at the wet ground searching for something, anything. There! A glint of metal caught his eye about 100 feet away. He sprinted over to it and bent down to look closer. Joker smiled-a real smile- and picked up the object reverently. He ran his gloved fingers over the sharp edges and when the sensation wasn't enough, Joker pulled his glove off. He ran the object over his palm and sighed when the sharp edge tore open his skin. He watched as the blood welled up and a drop ran down his wrist. Joker put the batarang in the pocket of his trademark purple coat and pulled his glove back on.

Joker grinned manically and laughed. Batsy had left him a clue!


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Joker's hench-clowns were busy distracting GCPD at the Gotham City Bank. They went in with no plan except to take as long as possible.

Mickey looked at his watch, "Leo, we're on twenty minutes." He hissed to another guy in a crying clown mask.

"How much longer you think?" Leo hissed back. He sounded nervous.

"Dunno. Boss just said to make it last. Wait until the cops get pissed and try to storm in?" Mickey replied.

"Want me to ask the other guys?"

After quick nod of Mickey's head, Leo picked up his walkie and started talking quietly into it. A minute later, Leo put the walkie back into his pocket.

"Boys are getting nervous. The cops are trying to push us through. They think we should go now."

Mickey nodded again, "Alright, let's blow the street." He pulled out a detonator that the Joker had made and pushed the button. He could hear the explosions as the cars lining the main street blew up. Leo's walkie began to chatter and he pulled it out to listen.

"They said the cops are retreating. Let's go!"

Mickey and Leo turned to the back exit of the bank and ran towards it. Mickey had just grasped the knob when he heard Leo's strangled yelp behind him. He turned and Leo was lying on the floor, unconscious or dead, he didn't know. He took a step towards Leo and everything went black.

 

*****************

 

The Joker stood on a rooftop across the street from the bank. He was cackling maniacally at the chaos his boys had caused. His eye caught two cops hanging two stragglers. The cops pulled the masks off the men and the Joker saw one was Mickey.

"In-teresting…" Joker muttered to himself. Mickey was one of the more reliable ones. As he stared, Mickey looked up, as if he was searching the rooftops. Joker added a point to his intelligence, if he was looking for the Boss. Mickey finally caught Joker's eye and mouthed one word with a glance back at the door of the bank.

He had mouthed "Batman."

Mickey looked back to the Joker to find he was gone. He searched the rooftops again and found Joker running-no, sprinting-across rooftops, jumping gaps with no fear. Mickey looked on with wide eyes. Joker looked possessed. He looked like he could fly. He was a blur of green with his people coat flying out behind him like a cape.

Mickey was jostled around and the cop threw him in the back of the car. He lost sight of the Joker.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Cleaned this chapter up a little bit, after rereading, I didn't really like the flow. Hopefully it's a bit better now. No major changes!

Joker reached the bank in record time. He ran down the fire exit, stopping at the second floor and leaping off. He got up from his crouch, knees creaking audibly. He dusted off his jacket and stepped up to the back door. He inched it open, peeking in to see if there were cops. When he figured the coast was clear, he snuck in. He noticed, absentmindedly that there was a discarded clown mask on the floor, maybe Lars-no, Lenny, no, that wasn't right either-, the Joker thought and shrugged. Joker could hear the echoing of someone in the vault, so that's where he headed. He poked his head slightly around the big metal door and saw it was Commissioner Gordon, talking on his cell phone.

"I know you're done, Batman, but please. Think about coming back out. I can't finish this myself. There's still too many criminals and mobsters…" he paused, voice lowering slightly, "And GCPD is still too corrupt, especially with the mess about Harvey Dent." Gordon paused to take a breath, listening to the reply.

Even from several feet away, Joker could hear his voice. It made his blood run hot. Then he caught the one sentence that froze him, like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over his head.

"Gordon, I can't. I'm done. The city will stop at nothing to catch me, your people included."

"No, Batman. My people know the truth. You have nothing to fear from me or mine… please. I need your help, even for a little longer. Please."

"Gordon…"

Joker grinned and crept forward while Jim's back was turned. He caught Gordon with an arm around his neck and a knife pressed to his throat. Gordon stifled a yell, knowing who had him by the purple gloves. He knew that Joker had no stipulations about killing him. Gordon didn't resist as the Joker pried the phone out of his hand.

"Can't you see when a man is desperate, Bats?" Joker said into the phone, giggling.

"Joker! What have you done with Gordon?!" He growled.

"He's here, with me. Now-"

Batman cut him off, "Alive?"

"You wound me, cupcake! Of course he's alive… for now."

"Let him go." Batman demanded.

"Mayyyybe I will, maybe I won't. Depends if you'll play a game with me, Batsy dar-ling." Joker grinned as the breathing on the phone hitched, "or are you re-tired like the Commissioner said?"

"I-" The voice started but the Joker cut him off.

"Let's get serious, Batsy baby. I miss our games. This last year has been SO boring! I left you all sorts of prizes and you. Never. Showed. Do you KNOW what that does to a man's ego?" Joker pouted.

"I was sick of playing your games." Batman growled, "Let the Commissioner go. I'm done playing your games, Joker."

"Hmm, tempting, Bats. But, no. Either you show or the Commissioner dies while I'm on the phone with you right now." Joker's face started changing, growing more feral, "Make your choice, Batman. Tick-tock.”

There was a sound that make the Joker's spine stiffen with disbelief. He held the phone out from his ear to Jim, “He HUNG up on ME?! Well, Commissioner, I guess this is just not your lucky night!” He spun the the terrified man around so they were facing each other.

Jim Gordon lost what little breath he had left. The Joker looked livid. His green eyes were wild, his normally manically grinning mouth was in a tight line, saliva foaming. Gordon thought he looked like a rabid dog.

“Let him go, Joker.” A voice growled behind the men.

Gordon looked over the Joker's shoulder and his eyes widened comically behind his glasses. The Joker's fingers turned to ice in Gordon's jacket lapels. They slipped from his jacket and the Joker turned slowly. His face showed his confusion as he saw one of his own lackeys standing at the vault entrance.

But, wait . . . something about this goon was different, Joker thought as he looked him over. Angry clown mask, black sweater, black pants and shoes . . . His eyes widened as he figured it out.

“Bats?” He whispered.

“Let Gordon go, now.” He spit out angrily.

The Joker's eyes roved the unsuited body of the Bat. He was lean and muscled and . . . perfect, Joker thought as a sliver of pleasure slid down his spine.

“Well, well, well.” He drawled, trying to save face, “Look what we have here. Gotta admit, darling, I feel a little overdressed.” He grinned, “But really, where have you been?”

“Joker, I'm not playing! Let him go!” Batman was losing his temper, Joker could tell and he relished in it.

“Well, Bats. How about a game?” He paused, rolling the idea around in his head, “If I let good old Commissioner Gordon go, you stay and answer my questions.”

The Bat was quiet for a couple seconds, too long, in the Joker's opinion.

To sweeten the pot, he threw in, “I won't even put up a fight when you arrest me, Bats. Oh, and do try to be quicker. You know how twitchy,” Joker's hand flicked the knife towards Gordon's throat, “I get when I'm bored.”

Batman growled, “Fine. Let him go and I'll answer.”

Joker grinned and flung Gordon towards the knight. Bats and Gordon stood and talked for a few seconds before Gordon slipped around the him and out of the vault, presumably to call more backup.

“Soo, Bats.” Joker drawled, walking closer to him, “Where ya been?”

“Ask a different question.”

“But, Batsy!” The Joker whined.

Batman just stared at him stoically silent, as always.

“Ugh! Fine.” The Joker tapped the knife on his lip, thinking, “Why no suit?”

Again, the his archenemy was silent. The Joker was fuming.

“Y'know, Bats, I'm a man of my word! I gave your precious Commissioner up without even a scratch because you said you'd answer!” Joker snarled, arms flying chaotically around him, “And you're not keeping up with your end of the bargain!”

“Ask questions I can answer.” Batman murmured so quietly the Joker had to strain his ears to hear.

Joker stilled, head cocked to the side, “Have you really been gone this whole time?”

“No.” Bats growled.

“Have you been in your suit at all this year?”

“No.”

Aha. Now he was getting somewhere, the Joker thought.

“Have you been . . . working?”

“Yes.”

Joker paused in his questioning, knife scraping his lip in thought again. Bats had been out, but not in costume. What did that mean? Aha!

“Are you . . . undercover?” He asked slyly.

The Bat didn't answer, just as the Joker predicted.

“When will you be back?” He asked, eyeing the man in front of him.

“Soon. And you'll pay for all the havoc you've caused in the past year, Joker. I've been keeping tabs. You'll be in Arkham for a long time.”

Joker grinned at him, “Aw, Batsy! I knew you cared!”

Faster than the Bat could track, Joker was up close and personal, knife held lightly under the clown mask. He felt Batman stiffen. He had underestimated the Joker again! Bruce growled.

“Oh, hush, Batsy baby. I think we both know I won't kill you.” Joker breathed.

His free hand reached up and grabbed the edge of the clown mask. Batman's hand gripped Joker's wrist and held tight.

“Leave the mask, or I'll break your wrist.” Bats growled.

“I'm not going to take it off, silly Bat. Let go.”

Batman hesitated.

“I'm not going to unmask or kill you, Batsy, so let go!” Joker hissed.

Batman reluctantly let his wrist go. Joker slowly moved the mask up, inch by inch. He could tell the other man was itching to make good on his threat to break his wrist, but Joker just grinned wider. Once the mask was at Batman's nose, Joker stopped.

“Now there's the Bat I know!” He cackled. Then he leaned in and kissed Batman.

It was like time froze. Joker wasn't aware of his surroundings anymore, all he could concentrate on was the feeling of the Bat's lips against his own. The man himself seemed frozen in shock. Joker could see his eyes were wide, as he closed his own. He moaned softly at the contact and it seemed to bring the Bat back to reality.

Batman jerked away and punched the Joker in the stomach in one smooth motion. Joker laughed maniacally, even as his breath rushed out of him. He grabbed Joker's wrists and pulled out a pair of handcuffs from his back pocket, locking them around the Joker, as he tried to catch his breath. Joker remained placid, as he had promised. Batman pushed the Joker in front of him as they walked toward the exit of the bank.

Just before Bruce pushed him into Gordon's waiting hands, he managed to say, “See you soon, Batsy.” When he turned to catch a last glimpse of his Bat, his eyes met with air. He looked on the floor and saw the angry clown mask the man had worn.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, every news, radio, and paper blared the same headline:

 

“Joker Escaped from Police Custody!”

 

****************************

Joker looked around his hideout a few days later. Most of his goons hadn't returned yet, but that was fine by him. He needed the alone time. He lay back on his thin mattress and thought back to his meeting with the Bat. Joker hadn't gotten much from the man, but what he did get, lifted his hopes unimaginably. Bats was coming back! How soon, Joker didn't know. But Bats was definitely coming back . . . and for him! 

Joker got up, it was time to start thinking about all the delicious chaos he could cause.


	5. Chapter 5

Bruce Wayne was sitting in his penthouse, flipping through news stations. He stopped on one that looked interesting.

“The biggest headline in all of Gotham today is about the Falcone crime family. The leader was found outside Commissioner Gordon's office this morning, tied up, with a note stuck on his chest.” the blonde woman said.

Bruce could hear Alfred's footsteps, “Well, Master Wayne, looks like the Batman has had his hands full this past year.” He put a hand on Bruce's shoulder, "It's nice to have you home, sir."

"Thanks, Alfred. It's good to be home."

"What's next, Master Wayne?" Alfred asked, putting a tray filled with food on Bruce's lap.

"Thanks, Alfred," Bruce started, picking up a piece of toast, "I think a day off and then I have to start taking down the Joker. I want to start before he causes more havoc looking for Batman."

"Any leads, sir?"

"Not yet, but I've just gotten back in the game. It won't take long, Joker's not patient." Bruce paused, "Honestly, though. I'm kind of surprised. The whole thing with Joker and Gordon was over a week ago. I expected him to try and draw Batman out the next day or so."

"Maybe he's planning something big, Master Wayne."

“I'm not sure. But he seemed satisfied when I said I was coming back soon. You should have seen the look on his face . . . it unnerved me. Like a starving man who was presented a plate of food. It . . .” Bruce trailed off, face tense.

“Well, sir, maybe he's missing the Batman's special brand of-er- attention? He IS insane.”

“I just don't know, Alfred. Something inside keeps saying that it's more than that . . .”


	6. Chapter 6

Bruce awoke to Alfred knocking on his door. He groaned and rolled over to look at his alarm clock on his nightstand. 2:32a.m. Bruce cleared his throat before telling the butler to come in.

“Master Wayne, sorry to wake you, sir, but the signal is on.” 

“Right, thanks, Alfred. I'm getting up!” Bruce answered, throwing the blankets off him and heaving himself upright. Bruce ran over to the thumbprint scanner hidden in the south wall of his room. The hidden door opened and Bruce ran through it to the Batcave. He suited up in record time and was in the tumbler racing down the streets of Gotham.

He managed to find a secluded alley to park the tumbler a few blocks away from GCPD. He'd go from the rooftops from here on in. Bruce aimed his grapple up to the roof of the nearest building and hoisted himself up. He took off running, jumping the smaller gaps and grappling over the bigger ones. Finally he was able to hide behind a chimney on the roof next to the station so Batman was able to see the Batsignal.

Bruce's mouth dropped in shock. He had the gall to . . . ! Bruce snapped his jaw shut and growled. How dare the Joker! He had managed to find his way atop the GCPD and had figured out how to switch the signal on . . . and for what?! Bruce, now fuming, came out from behind the chimney and leapt over to the station behind the Joker.

Batman assessed the situation with a practiced eye in seconds. The Joker was standing, facing away from Batman, arms behind his back, idly rocking back and forth on his heels. 

“Joker.” Bats growled.

Joker spun around, a grin stretching his scars, “Hello, dar-ling! Took you long enough to show up!”

“You're going back to Arkham.” Batman growled.

The grin dropped off Joker's face, leaving the maniac looking deadly serious, “No, Batsy. I'm not.” He grinned again, “Don't ya wanna know why I'm here, cupcake?”

Batman glowered at the man.

“Oh fine, spoilsport! You were supposed to guess but I'll tell you anyway!” He clapped his hands, eyes lighting up with childlike glee, his voice dropped to a whisper, “Well, dar-ling, I couldn't wait for one more second! I have a surprise for you! But you have to find it first. Maybe if you're nice, I'll even give you a hint!”

“And you think I'll play along why?” Bats growled. He had no idea why he hadn't arrested the jester yet, but he found himself leaning forward towards the man, anticipating his words. Bruce mentally shook himself and straightened himself out. He scowled.

“Because if you don't play along, my dark knight, a building will go BOOM!” Joker threw his hands up in the air and giggled.

“Which one?!” Batman snarled.

“Now, now, sweetheart. Maybe if you ask nicely-” 

Batman cut him off with a punch to the stomach. Joker giggled breathlessly.

“Now that's the Bat I know!” He managed to spit out.

“Tell me!” Batman said, with a punch to the Joker's jaw. Joker's head snapped back. When he righted himself, Bruce noticed there was a dribble of blood from his split lip. Joker's tongue peeked out and licked the trail of blood.

Joker grinned and kicked the knight. Bats stumbled back, and the jester used that to his advantage. He leapt at Batman, throwing his limbs furiously. All Bruce could do was block as much as he could, Joker was leaving him no opportunities. Somehow, the Joker managed to sweep Batman's legs out from under him and he went down on his back hard, breath knocked out of him.

Joker perched himself on top of Bruce, holding his arms down.

“Now that the foreplay is over, cupcake, I expect a kiss!” 

Bruce stared at him in confusion before his eyes widened in shock as the words connected in his frazzled mind. He tried to push the Joker off him and get up but stilled as painted lips connected with his. His blood boiled, from rage or something else, he didn't know. Bruce pushed the thought aside, disgusted with himself. He came back to reality when he felt the Joker's tongue prod his lips. Enough was enough! 

Batman freed his arm and punched Joker across the cheek. He saw the skin split and felt sadistic satisfaction as the jester fell off him. Bruce got up and took the clown by the collar and lifted him up.

“Where are the bombs?!” He roared, patience completely gone.

Joker laughed, “Since you were SUCH a sport, darling, I'll tell you! It's on 4th and Rivercourt. I won't tell you which building, that's part of the game! You have-” Joker lifted his wrist to his face, “Oh dear! You only have fifteen minutes, Batsy! Better get running!” 

Bruce doubled over as the Joker kneed him in the stomach, grip loosening enough for the Joker to jerk away.

“Ta, Bats! Catch ya later, doll!” He said over his shoulder, as he ran to the fire escape.

When Batman ran over to the escape to try and apprehend the Joker, he was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Bruce ran over to the side of the GCPD and pressed a button to call the tumbler. He leapt off, cape slowing his decent. He hit the ground with his knees bent as the tumbler's lights washed over him. He jumped in and put the streets into his GPS unit. As Bruce drove, he pushed a button on his communicator to call Gordon.

“This is Gordon.”

“Gordon, Joker planted bombs on 4th and Rivercourt. Wouldn't say which building. I'm on my way there now.”

“I'll get the bomb squad over there as fast as I can.” Gordon replied, “Are you back, Batman?” He asked lowly.

“I never left. I had to keep everyone in the dark, including you, Jim. Taking down the Mob wouldn't have worked otherwise.”

“Is that why a couple of my officers found a drug dealer unconscious in the Narrows the other night?” Gordon's voice was lace with amusement.

Batman chuckled darkly, “Might have been.”

****************

As Bruce reached the intersection of 4th and Rivercourt, he checked his watch. Ten minutes to find the bombs. He got out of the tumbler and grappled up to the nearest building. He looked around, searching for clues as to which building it was. Knowing the jester, he had probably left a clue to lead Batman in the right direction, especially depending on what type of game Joker wanted to play. 

After taking in every detail he could, Bruce noticed a smeared red handprint on a door of a condemned building. He jumped and spread his cape, activating the fibers, and glided over to it. He checked his watch again, seven minutes left. If he was wrong . . . but Bruce wouldn't let himself think about it. He had to be right! There was no room for errors here!

Batman ran over to the door and wrenched it open. He flew down the stairs, red arrows painted on the walls pointing the way. He spared a quick thought as to whether it was blood, but the smell of paint was heavy in the enclosed space. 

Bruce followed the arrows all the way down to the basement of the building. He paused at the boiler room door, “Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder where you're at” painted on it. He checked his watch again, four minutes. He cautiously opened the door a sliver, aware that it could be a trap. When nothing happened, he opened the door all the way and went in. He looked around, a couple of doors off the main room, both half open.

Bruce turned on his detective vision and scanned the room. Something flickered in the corner of his eye and caught his attention. He went over to the first door and opened it the rest of the way, looking for a trap. There was nothing else but the boiler. He ran over to the second door and he could see the corner of a table. He pushed the door open cautiously. There was an old table in the middle of the room with a box in the middle of it. The box was done up in green wrapping with a big purple bow on top.

There was no ticking, no sounds at all, coming from the box. Bruce went over to it, checking his watch again. Two minutes. He had to hurry. He took the lid off the box carefully, trying not to jostle whatever was inside. Something flew out at him, laughing hysterically, and Bruce jumped back, waiting for impact. When none came, he looked a little closer. It looked like an envelope on a spring. Batman went back into the box and looked in. No bomb, just the envelope and the laughter. He went and turned on the light and grabbed the envelope. He searched for the laughter and found a little tape recorder attached to the inside corner of the box.

'Bats,  
So sorry I lied about the bomb!   
Had to get the game started somehow, darling!  
A game of hide and seek.  
I'll even give you clues along the way.  
Ta, darling!  
J'

Bruce tapped the button on his communicator.

“Gordon.”

“There's no bomb. It's his idea of a sick joke.”

“You sure there's no bomb?”

“No. It would have gone off by now. He's playing with us. With me. Call off the squad.”

“Fine. Will you let me know-” Gordon started, but Batman had already hung up.

Bruce grabbed the card and the tape recorder and went back to the tumbler. He had just started the drive back to the cave when white noise filled his ears. He tapped his communicator to see if he could get it working again. The static stopped as abruptly as it had started.

“Hel-lo, Batsy!” A nasally voice said in his ear.

Batman growled, “Joker. How did you-”

Joker cut him off, “Wasn't hard, darling. Took the Commissioner's phone the other day when you two were talking. Didn't even notice.” He started giggling, “Commish was pretty an-gry when he realized he had to get a new one! It was really quite easy to hack into your system, doll.”

“As soon as I get to the cave, I'm kicking you out!” He snapped.

“.....you really live in a cave, Batsy?” Joker asked, surprisingly serious.

Bruce's eyes widened as he realized his mistake. He cursed silently as he figured out that Joker was waiting for an answer.

“No.” He answered through gritted teeth.

The jester responded with an ear-splitting laugh. Bruce jerked his head at the sound, it went right through his head. 

“Oh, dar-ling! Why didn't you say so?!” He said between chuckles, “Instead of staying in a cold, dark cave, why don't you come stay with your old pal, Joker? It'll be like a slumber party! We'd have SO much fun together!” He cackled.

Bats growled menacingly but was otherwise silent. Joker's laughter calmed down after a minute or two.

“What, Batsy? You don't think I'm serious?”

Bruce snorted, “You're never serious.”

“You really don't know me at all, do you, Batman?” Joker asked, voice dropping a few octaves with anger.

“I know enough. I know you love trying to destroy Gotham. I know you love to make my life a living hell. I know you love chaos and killing. What else is there to know?” He spat.

“Oh, baby. If only you knew!” His voice perked up to it's normal nasal, lyrical tone, “But that's the whole point of the game, cupcake! I have a bigggggg secret that no one,” He paused, “Not even the greatest bat detective knows!”

Bruce drove through the waterfall hiding the cave and parked the tumbler, “And just what is that?” He growled as he walked over to his storage case for his suit.

“I can't tell yet, silly bat!” Joker laughed again, “It would ruin the game! Besides,” He added, voice serious again, “You're not ready for it.” It sounded like he clapped his hands, “So that's why we need to play!”

While the Joker was busy talking, Bruce stripped off his suit, leaving him in a mesh shirt and long underwear. He changed his long underwear and mesh shirt into sweatpants and a loose t-shirt and sat down at his computer station. He pulled up his communication system to see if he could kick the Joker off.

“Ah-ah-ah! It won't be THAT easy to get rid of me, darling!” Joker commented, hearing Bruce typing.

“We'll see about that!” Bruce snarled, voice like gravel. 

“I'll-uh-just wait here while you try, Batsy.” The jester sounded horribly amused and that pissed Bruce off even more. Now he was even more determined to block the Joker out. 

But after a few minutes of typing, it became obvious that the Joker had done something to counteract Bruce's commands to get rid of him. Bruce growled, becoming more frustrated. Joker giggled.

“Told ya, Bats!” Joker laughed manically. 

“While I may not be able to kick you off, I don't have to listen to you!” Batman spit out, jaw clenched tightly.

“It's time for all little bats to be off anyway, darling. The sun is coming up! We don't want you turning into a pile of ashes-oh! Wrong fairytale!” He giggled again, “Expect to hear from me later. Game on, Bats! Dream of me, cupcake!” He laughed and the line went dead. 

Bruce stayed up a little while longer to see if there was anyway to undo the damage Joker had done to his system. After a half hour of trying with no success, he figured he'd sleep on it. Maybe a fresher perspective would help. He trudged up the elevator to the main house and when he got to his bedroom, he flopped on the bed and passed out.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Joker looked at his reflection in his shattered mirror. He was trying to fix his makeup, except this time he was putting on makeup to look normal. He sighed in irritation, the things he did for his Bat. He angled his face so he could see his scars better. He applied the putty evenly, covering his trademark grin. When he was finished, he applied some foundation and rubbed it into his face, blending the putty into his skin. 

Joker looked at himself and sighed again. He looked so boring, so . . . normal. But it would suit his purpose. He didn't want the Bat getting any ideas about what games he had in store. He grinned at his reflection one more time, making sure his smile was just that. A normal smile, albeit with an evil shadow to it.

He left the bathroom and went down the stairs to the warehouse. His goons-the ones who had escaped police custody, that is-were grouped in the TV room, waiting for Joker to make his appearance. They were nervously waiting, some shifting foot to foot. They had no idea what was on the agenda. All they knew was that the boss was in a good mood, and sometimes that didn't bode well. Joker stopped just outside the TV room and called his henchmen into the main part of the warehouse. Shuffling out, the Joker counted eight. He studied the faces, plotting what he wanted each to do. One or two paled when they noticed the boss' face, they knew something big was about to happen.

“Now, boys. I have a job for you.” Joker produced a list out of his pocket, “I need each item off this list.” He started ripping the list into sections, handing half of the guys slips, “Pair up. Get whatever's on your list. But one thing.” He stared into each person's eyes before continuing to show his seriousness, “Do. Not. Cause. Trouble. Do not get caught. I think this-” Joker waved at his normal face, “Shows how this has to go down. I want discreet. Understand?”

A couple of nods and a “yeah, boss!” from the guys. 

Joker nodded with satisfaction, “Go then!”

The henchmen ran towards the door of the warehouse. It was a mess, guys piling in the door, stuck from trying to rush out.

“Oh, and gentle-men!” Joker said, waiting for every eye to turn towards him, “Do not fuck this up or it'll be more than just your lives on the line.”

*********************

Bruce, on his lunch from Wayne Enterprises, decided that getting out of the stuffy office was a great idea. There was a new pastry shop down the block that he heard made the best pecan pie in Gotham. He smiled as he passed Lucius and muttered something about needing air. Lucius smiled indulgently at the billionaire. He had caught Bruce asleep in the last meeting, so the fresh air might help.

As soon as Bruce hit the street, he breathed deep. The fresh air made its way into his system and he felt rejuvenated. There wasn't much of a crowd on the streets, he had taken his lunch later that usual for that very reason. He didn't have the patience to be bombarded with media or people wanting his attention. 

The walk to the pastry shop was uneventful, he noted with relief. Even the shop was empty. Bruce couldn't believe his luck. He braced himself, hand on the door, and put his playboy persona on full blast.

“Hi there, how can I help you?” The bubbly blonde behind the pastry cases asked, not looking up from cleaning the glass.

“Hello there.” He replied, putting on his most charming smile, “I've heard you have the best pecan pie around.”

She finally looked up and her eyes widened comically, “Y-you're . . .”

Bruce grinned wider, “Bruce Wayne. And you are?” He put his hand over the case and waited for her to take it. When she did, he pulled her hand to his mouth and brushed his lips over it. He could see her swoon.

“Olivia.” She replied faintly.

“Olivia. I like it.” He relinquished her hand, “So what would you recommend?”

“W-well, I can make anything you like!” She managed to say, “I own the shop, so whatever you want, you just have to ask!”

He was in the middle of mindlessly flirting with the girl when he registered the faint tinkling of the bell signally someone else had come in. As Olivia turned to get his order, he turned slightly to see who was with him. It was a man in a purple dress shirt and black slacks, with unruly blonde hair. Bruce was struck with deja vu. The man looked so familiar but he couldn't place him.

“Well hello there, gorgeous!” The man said, noticing that Bruce was checking him out.

Bruce smirked at him, “Hello.” He still couldn't place him, but the voice was so familiar, “Do I know you? I feel like I do.”

The other man grinned, “Well, I certainly know you, Mr. Wayne. Who in Gotham wouldn't? But I don't think we've actually met.”

Bruce turned to face the man fully and was taken aback by how good looking the man was. Why was he so familiar?

After a minute of small talk, Olivia came back with Bruce's order. She rang him up, and after grossly overtipping her, he wrote his number on the back of his receipt and gave it to her. She blushed prettily and rushed to the back room to pull herself together. As Bruce turned to leave, he noticed the other man was staring at him oddly. After a second, the other man smiled, and Bruce was momentarily stunned by his smile. It sort of looked . . . unhinged, for lack of a better word. 

“How about me, sweetcheeks? Can I get your number too?” He asked, laughing.

Bruce stilled at the laughter . . . but where were the scars?! His breath and heartbeat started to race. He mentally shook himself and smirked again, pulling up his playboy persona to still the panic, “Sorry, but you're not quite my type.” He said as he walked to the door.

He was almost out when he heard the man's reply, “Oh, we'll see about that one, Brucie!”

Bruce turned, frowning, retort on his lips when Olivia pushed through the back door, “Hi there, can I help you?”

Instead of making a scene, Bruce fled back to Wayne Enterprises. He replayed every second of the strange encounter on the walk back, determined to figure out if his mind was playing tricks or if that man was who he thought. 

As he walked back into his office, he told himself that he was looking too much into it. 

“I mean, he didn't even have scars.” He said to his empty office, uneasily. The office was ominously unsettled.

**********************

Joker grinned, it couldn't be that simple, could it? He had an inkling about Mr. Bruce Wayne. It had started when he noticed the man looking at him sideways, like he was trying to figure him out. Usually Joker would have stabbed anyone who had looked at him like that, but he was trying to be on his best behavior. Besides, the billionaire's stare had given him second thoughts. There was a powerful aura around Mr. Wayne and Joker knew he had to try and figure it out.

 

It had been when Bruce had fully turned toward him, when the shadow from the florescent lights had caught Bruce's face just the right way, that the Joker lost his breath. It was too good to be true! Joker turned his attention back to the girl who had taken his order. She had appeared from the back room with a pie box in hand. He took it and paid the girl. When she had turned away, Joker slipped the receipt with Bruce's number in it in his pocket. He smirked at how frazzled she would be when she found it missing. He nearly skipping out of the shop, humming to himself.

 

So. Batman was Bruce Wayne, huh? Joker grinned. Well, this certainly warranted some research. But if he was right-which is normally was-than he had just figured out what mask his Batsy wore during the day. Joker broke out into hysterical laughter, unaware of the wide-eyed stares and people walking further around him to avoid contact. Oh how perfect!

***************

That night, Batman was standing on the rooftop, scanning the streets for mischief. He hadn't heard from the Joker yet. It kind of worried him, especially when Joker had specifically mentioned he'd be in touch.

Bruce shook himself. Worried? About the Joker? He scoffed. He was worried about what mayhem the man was causing. 

“So sorry for the delay, Batsy-baby.” Joker's voice crooned in Bruce's ear.

“Where have you been?!” Slipped out of Batman's mouth before he could stop himself.

Joker clicked his tongue, “Aw, Bats. Were you missing little ole me?” Joker laughed, “I've been setting things up for our game, darling.”

“I told you, Joker. I'm done with your games!” He protested.

“And I told you, Batman. You'll have to play my game to find me. Otherwise thousands of people will die. Clear enough for you, doll?” His voice started out low and threatening, but by the end of his sentence it was his normal, playful tone.

Batman growled, “Crystal. Now tell me where you are!”

“No fun! You have to find me, remember? I said hide and seek, cupcake. Here's your first clue . . . you have a bunch of bats in your belfry! Hurry, darling!” Joker laughed and hung up.

Bruce turned toward the Gotham Church. It was the only place with a belfry. He leapt off the building and soared to the church.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little . . . insecure about this chapter. I don't really know where to take the story from here.


	9. Chapter 9

Batman raced to the church. Stopping at the base, he looked up and tried to figure out the best way to get up to the top. He aimed his grapple gun at the gargoyles at the top of the church. As he started propelling upwards, shots rang out. A bullet hit the wire and he fell back to the ground with a grunt. 

"Guess that leaves the old fashioned way." Bruce muttered as he stood up. He looked around warily, looking for the snipers. He didn't think they were killing shots, but better safe than sorry.

Bruce cautiously moved to the front door of the church and pushed it open. After a seconds hesitation, he went in. 

The foyer was empty, so Batman made his way over to the stairwell. He moved up the stairs silently, searching for an attack or… something. Bruce felt uneasy. This was way too simple, what was the Joker planning? All too soon, he found himself at the top of the stairs. Taking a deep breath to prepare himself, he pushed open the last door. He could see Joker's silhouette in the dull moonlight, sitting at a table.

"Hello, Batsy." Joker crooned.

"Joker, what's the point of this?" Bats growled.

"Come sit, darling." Joker pointed to an unoccupied chair across from his, "I have a surprise for you."

Bruce crossed his arms across his chest and didn't move. 

Joker sighed, "How droll. Do we have to do this every time, Batman?" He spit out and pulled a detonator out of his pocket, "I do so hate repeating jokes, but you ALWAYS go for them. Sit… or Wayne manor gets blown up." He looked coyly at Batman.

Bruce grit his teeth, did he know? Deep breaths, he reminded himself. There was no way Joker could know. He slowly moved toward the chair, steeling himself for an attack. He sat down on the furthest corner of the chair, so he could leap up if he had to.

"No, no, no! Comfortably!" Joker sang out, waving the detonator. Joker heard the Bats sigh irritatedly as he pushed himself back until he was sitting normally.

"That's better, doll!" He studied Batman, "Bet you wanna know why you're here, huh?"He grinned.

"Actually, I was wondering about your so-called 'game'. I thought it was supposed to be hide and seek, not 'let Batman catch me'." He snapped.

The Joker giggled, "Well, maybe I should have called it 'catch me if you can'." Joker reached under the table down by his feet and watched as Bats reacted. He waved the detonator again, "Now, now. No tricks right now, Bats. Cross my heart."

Joker put a small box on the table between them. Bruce eyed the box suspiciously. Joker pushed it toward him, "Go on. Open it."

Bruce shook his head, "Your trick won't work, Joker."

Joker grinned again, "Oh fine, I'll open it then!" He opened the box and pulled out…a cake? It was already sliced. Joker slid a piece over to the silent man and kept one for himself. He pulled out two forks from the box, "Eat up, Batsy. I got it just for you!" Without waiting for the other man to move, the Joker scooped a piece into his mouth. He groaned in delight.

"Don't trust me?" He said around a mouthful.

Batman's glared answered.

Joker sighed, "Must you be so difficult? I ordered it just for you."

"… Why?"

"Already told you, darling. You won't believe me." Joker looked serious and it startled Bruce, "Is it so wrong that I just wanted a night without fighting between us? That I just wanted to spend time with you? You were gone for a year. I didn't know if you'd ever come back. We're gonna make the most of our time left, Batsy." Joker paused, "Now eat. I just got you back and we both know I won't kill you. It's not poisoned."

Joker stared until Bruce picked up his fork and reluctantly took a bite. Joker grinned and started eating again, "So, ya know who I ran into? It got me thinking. I've never played a game with Bruce Wayne before, and after running into him today… well it's a shame, really."

"Leave Bruce Wayne alone, Joker!" Batman growled.

Joker laughed at the outburst, "I really have to pay Mr.Wayne a visit now! Jealous?"

"He's innocent. Unlike you." Batman threw down his fork and stood, stalking around the table. He grabbed the clown by his jacket collar and pulled him to his feet. 

"Ah ah ah, Brucie." Joker hissed, waving the detonator again. Bats froze.

"What did you say?" He snarled.

"How long did you really think it would take for me to figure it out, cupcake?" Joker laughed, "All it took was a little bad lighting and you were in the right place at the right time, and Gotham's most feared villain found out your big secret?" He paused and took a breath, "So unless you're gonna break your one rule-and I know you won't-I have everything and you. Have. Nothing. Nothing to threaten me with. I hold all the cards. Now let me go."

Batman's fingers loosened and he let the Joker go, knowing he was right, "What do you want?" He snarled.

"I know you won't believe me, Brucie, but I'll tell you anyway." Joker paused, straightening his jacket. He stared into Bruce eyes and said one word.

"You."

He felt his world crumbling and knew his end was near. Bruce took a deep breath and he knew he had no other choices. Joker was right, he had all the cards and unless he gave himself up, Joker would tell. Then who knew where he would end up? Arkham at best. He looked defeated as he nodded, resigning himself to his fate.


	10. Chapter 10

Joker clapped his hands in glee. Now, he asked himself, What to do next? Then inspiration struck.

"Take it off, Batsy."

Bruce stared at Joker in shock and spluttered, "What?!"

Joker rolled his eyes, "The mask. I know who you are. Take. It. Off."

Batman shook his head, "No. You don't know for sure who I am, I'm not letting you know if you're right or not."

Joker shrugged nonchalantly, "Okaaaaay then. I'll just visit our friend Bruce Wayne and ifff he's not home. Well, his butler, Alfred will be." He cocked his eyebrow, waiting.

Batman growled and raised his hands to his cowl. He rested his hands at the bottom and closed his eyes. In one practiced pull, it was over his head. Bruce didn't want to see the look on Joker's face when he realized he had guessed right.

Joker held his breath as Batman pulled his mask off. His eyes hungrily roamed Bruce's face. He licked his lips, "Just as, uh, pretty as I remember." 

Bruce's eyes opened and glared at Joker, "Shut. Up. Before I make you." He growled.

"No, I-uhh-actually mean it, darling." Joker stepped closer to Bruce and ran a finger down his cheek. A faint blush colored Bruce's cheeks and he jerked away.

"Ah ah ah, cupcake. We're playing like grown ups right now. Unless you'd like me to use this?" He shook the detonator.

Bruce audibly ground his teeth but managed to keep still as Joker cupped his face. Standing this close, Bruce had the opportunity to study the Joker. They were about the same height, he noted. He had always assumed that he was the taller off the two, maybe because the batsuit made him seem so much bigger and taller. 

Joker watched Bats -no, now he was Bruce Wayne- stare at him. He leaned in and gave the man plenty of opportunity to pull back. He could see Bruce take a deep breath as Joker kissed him.

Bruce held himself as still as possible, trying not to provoke the other man. He had a terrible idea of what the cost of saving Gotham would be... He just hoped it wouldn't break him completely. But he could -would- do anything for his city. Bruce couldn't do it, he shuddered in revulsion, but Batman could.

Joker could feel Bruce's resignation to the situation but he was getting aggravated that the darker man wouldn't respond. He went to pull away, clasping Bruce's bottom lip and biting.

Batman's eyes widened as he felt a jolt of arousal at the rough treatment. That was unexpected and unwanted. It had been so long since someone had even actually kissed him, he figured the feeling was from his neglected libido, finally making itself known in the worst possible situation.

"Now, Brucie, this isn't fun unless we both par-ticipate, ya know." Joker looked at him sternly, "Try harder." A thought struck him, "Kiss me, darling. Like you mean it. Or boom!" He mimicked an explosion.

Bruce growled softly. He wanted participation? Fine, Bruce thought, that's what he'd give. He dropped his Batman persona and adopted his playboy one. He'd give the Joker the best kiss he'd ever had, and maybe while he was dumbstruck, Batman could knock his ass out and throw him back in Arkham before he woke. Bruce grabbed the clown by the lapels and jerked him forward. The air rushed out of the Joker as their bodies collided. Joker's eyes widened. Brucie didn't kiss like he expected him to, all tongue and teeth and dominance. It was more of a slow seduction, soft and sweet, coaxing instead of demanding. 

Joker found himself melting into the kiss. He opened his hands and threaded them around Bruce's neck, not registering the clatter of the detonator as it fell, forgotten. He pulled Bruce closer and the kiss grew more heated, more urgent. Bruce's tongue lapped the seam of Joker's lips until Joker welcomed him in. Bruce's hands wandered from the other man's coat down to his waist. He wrapped his hands around the lithe man.

Bruce was the first to pull back, panting. He hasn't expected that to happen. Joker leaned his forehead against Bruce's, as they tried to catch their breath. He knew the moment he lost Bruce when his blue eyes went wild with panic.

"Oh, doll." He sighed, forlorn, as Bruce pulled back quickly. As he backed away, he kicked the forgotten device on the floor. His eyes darted to it and back to the Joker. 

"I..Oh fuck." Bruce cursed, "What the fuck..."

Joker took a step forward, raising his hands to show the panicking man he meant no harm, "Relllax, Bruce. Take a breath."

Bruce acted on instinct, mind numb and blank. In one fluid motion, Bruce jerked his cowl back on, crunched the detonator, and punched the Joker.

Joker fell to the ground. Instead of getting up, he leaned up on his elbows and stared at his Bats, "I had hoped that would make you see but I guess I have my work cut out for me. We'll have to come to a deal, Brucie, otherwise I'll tell and you'll be locked up in Arkham with me. Maybe we'll be cell buddies!" He laughed. Batman growled and pulled his leg back to kick Joker.

"Ah ah ah, Bats. Never kick a man while he's down. Go panic. We'll work out a deal later. I'll be in touch." His voice hardened, "Run away now, like a good little bat before I change my mind." He waved his hands toward the window behind Batman.

Bruce stared at the other man for a moment before he did the only thing he could.... He went to the closest window and jumped, Joker's laughter following him away.


	11. Chapter 11

Bruce cursed, pulling the suit off piece by piece. He hadn't taken the Joker in! He'd... panicked and left the monster out there to terrorize Gotham!

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He muttered to himself.

“Master Bruce?” Alfred's voice rang out in the dank cavern.

Bruce startled, “Sorry, Alfred. I didn't hear you come down.”

“I gathered, sir.” Alfred replied drily, "Care to tell me what's got you so frazzled?"

"Alfred, you have to leave. Book a plane, anywhere you want to go. Go see your brother, go on vacation, just...you have to go." Bruce panicked.

Alfred looked at Bruce in alarm, "Sir?"

"He...He knows. The Joker knows who I am, Alfred. You're not safe. I won't risk your safety."

"He knows? And he hasn't told?" Alfred looked puzzled.

"No... He said he wanted something." Bruce paused, steeling himself for his next words, "He actually said he wanted...me."

"Oh, dear. What else did he say, sir? Did he say why or what he wanted from you?"

"Joker made himself pretty clear after-" Bruce cut himself off and took a deep breath, "After he kissed me."

Alfred looked at Bruce in shock, "He did what?!"

"You heard me, Alfred. He kissed me. And...And I panicked and left. I didn't even knock him out or turn him in or anything. I panicked and left, Alfred!" Bruce dropped his head to his hands in shame, "And he said we had to make a deal or he'd tell and I'd end up his cellmate in Arkham." He mumbled.

"Well, Master Bruce, I think all we can do now is wait and see what he does. And before you say it again, I'm not leaving you like this. If the time comes and he does tell Gordon, well. Then well leave together. I'd never let you go to that...place."

Bruce opened his mouth to protest but Alfred cut him off, "No, sir. I'm not leaving you and that's final." Alfred turned to go back upstairs, "Now I'm going to make dinner and I'll be back."

Alfred walked away, ignoring Bruce's protests. 

***************************

There was a bang and Bruce woke with a start.

"Time to get up, Master Wayne." Alfred said, pulling the curtains to let the sun in. Bruce groaned and pulled the blanket over his head.

"Ten more minutes." He mumbled.

"You have to be at Wayne Enterprises in an hour, sir." He replied, yanking the blanket off Bruce.

Bruce growled but relented and got up. As he headed to the bathroom, he heard Alfred say that his suit would be waiting and breakfast would be ready when Bruce was done. Bruce grunted, acknowledging Alfred.

Bruce sighed as the warm water sluiced over him. He still had no idea what the whole debacle with Joker was about. Half of Bruce wanted to know where it would lead and the other half wanted to lock Joker up in Arkham and throw away the key, never to be heard from again. 

He shut off the water and dried off absently, mind on the Joker. When he was ready, he walked down to meet Alfred in the kitchen. 

"What do I do, Alfred?" He asked, biting into a piece of toast.

"Honestly, sir, I'm not sure. He's been relatively good lately, so I think you'll just have to wait and see." 

Bruce nodded and put down his toast, appetite lost, "I'm leaving now, Alfred. I'm taking the bike today, I need some air."

"Yes, sir." He replied as Bruce walked into the garage. 

************

His first meeting of the day was long and boring, it was a struggle for Bruce to keep his eyes open.

Lucius called an end to the meeting a little early, noticing the other shareholders looking over at the sleeping playboy in disgust. After the stiffs had filed out, He grabbed his paperwork and went over to Bruce.

"Long night, eh, son?" He asked loudly, chuckling when Bruce jumped.

"That obvious, huh?" Bruce nervously ran his hand through his hair.

"Anything I can help you with?" Lucius offered.

Bruce shook his head, "No, I think I have to figure this one out myself."

Lucius nodded, "Well then, why don't you go rest a bit in your office? The next meeting isn't until one."

"Actually, that sounds like a great idea. Thanks, Lucius." Bruce replied over his shoulder as he walked out the door. 

He stopped and flirted a bit with his secretary, Lucy, and asked her to hold all his calls unless it was an emergency. She agreed happily, especially when he promised her a date soon.

Bruce shut the door to his office and leaned back against it, sighing loudly. This whole Joker situation had his mind reeling. He pushed off the door and went to his desk, settling behind it. He took his cell out of his breast pocket, turned up the ringer, and put it on the desk in case Alfred needed him. He had every intention of getting some paperwork done but his droopy eyes told a different story. He nodded off, head resting on his chest.

A shrill ringing broke it's way into his dreams. Peeling his eyes open, Bruce grabbed his phone and slid his finger across to open it. He frowned as the notification popped up telling him there was a new picture message. He opened the message, and noticed that it was an unfamiliar number. 

His breath caught in his throat as the picture loaded. A close up of the bottom half of Joker's face, a bright purple bruise on his jaw, taking up most of the picture. Underneath was a sliver of his familiar blue shirt with his green vest over it. Bruce looked a little closer and realized that Joker's face was unpainted. Underneath the picture was the caption 'Like your handiwork, Batsy?'

Bruce took a deep breath and hit the reply button. 

'What do you want?' he typed. He didn't bother asking how Joker had gotten his private cell phone number, Joker had proven himself resourceful and sneaky. 

'When are you going to lunch?' Joker replied back, quicker than Bruce was expecting.

Bruce could feel the beginnings of a migraine as he hit reply again, 'I have a meeting. Whenever that ends . . . why?' As he hit send, he noticed the time. It was five of one. He put his phone on vibrate and got up. He stopped at Lucy's desk to see if he had any messages and hurried up to the meeting. As Bruce opened the door, conversation stopped. He was the last to arrive. 

He put on his trademark cocky smile, “Did I miss anything, gentlemen?”

“No, Mister Wayne, just in time.” Lucius answered and gestured to a seat. 

Bruce sat and pulled his phone back out. There was a message waiting for him.

'Just wondering, sugar. Are you done panicking about last night?'

Bruce could imagine the man's smirk, just as surely Joker knew he was scowling, 'I did NOT panic. I just refuse to be toyed with.'

Bruce tuned back in to Lucius, so he could at least say he heard some of the meeting. His attention was diverted back to his phone, 'Who said I was playing, darling?'

'I'm busy. Leave me alone.' Bruce quickly texted back and put his phone in his pocket, resolving to ignore it.

Soon enough, the meeting was over. Bruce caught Lucius and told the other man he was going out to lunch. As he walked down the hall past his office, he heard Lucy calling to him.  
He stopped over by her desk.

“I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne, but your lunch meeting is here and Mr. White would not wait out here.” Lucy turned her head in shame. 

“I wasn't aware I had a lunch meeting, Lucy. What was his name again?” Bruce asked impatiently.

“It's a Mr. Jack White, sir. I'm sorry, but he was so pushy. I tried to stop him and asked him to wait out here but he laughed at me, sir.”

Bruce's headache returned in full force, “Don't worry about it, Lucy. Must have slipped my mind.” He grinned at her. Lucy smiled back, glad she wasn't in trouble.

Bruce steeled himself before opening his office door. He knew exactly who “Jack White” was. It was one of Joker's most well known aliases. He knew he couldn't make a scene, Bruce knew he had to play it cool. Pulling up his persona, he opened the door with a false smile, “Mr. White, so glad you could make it!”

He shut the door behind him and took in the man sitting behind Bruce's desk, with his feet on the polished surface. Bruce stopped and did a double take. It didn't look like Joker. The only thing familiar was the grin-sans scars- and the poison green eyes staring shrewdly into his own.

“It was you in the bakery!” Bruce blurted out before he could stop himself.

Joker laughed, “Of course it was, darling! How do you think I got your phone number? You oh so generously left it for me!” He cackled. 

Bruce sighed, “What are you doing here, Joker? I don't have the patience for games today.” He went over to his desk, and after pushing Joker's feet off the surface, reached over into his drawer where he kept his aspirin. He stood up and shook three out into his hand, tossing them into his mouth and dry swallowing them. 

“Let's go to lunch, doll-face. How long do I have you for?” Joker said, staring at Bruce with an expression on his face that made Bruce squirm uncomfortably. 

“I don't have a choice, do I?” Bruce snapped back, “You won't leave unless I agree?”

Joker cackled, “You got it!” 

Bruce motioned for Joker to follow him as he left. He smiled as they passed Lucy and asked when his next meeting was scheduled for. 

“Your last one is for five o'clock, sir. Then you're done until noon tomorrow.” She said, glancing surreptitiously at 'Mr. White'.

Bruce thanked her and took Joker by the elbow, leading him toward the elevator. Once the doors were shut behind them, he faced Joker.

“So where ya taking me, lover boy?” Joker asked, batting his eyelashes at Bruce.

“You were serious about lunch?” Bruce asked, surprised.

“Uhhh... yeah, Brucie. A man's gotta eat, ya know.” He stared at Bruce, strangely serious.

The elevator stopped before Bruce could reply. As they walked out, Bruce said offhandedly, “I hope your table manners are up to par.”

“Oooh! Someone's a little snarky, eh, doll?” 'Jack' grinned, “I like it.”

Bruce rolled his eyes. The doorman opened the door for the men and wished Bruce a nice day. Bruce smiled back and led Joker to his motorcycle. He swung his leg over the scarlet bike and put on a matching helmet. He gestured for the Joker to get on behind him. Joker jumped on the back so enthusiastically that he almost dumped them. Bruce started up the bike and Joker grabbed onto Bruce's waist, pressing in close. Bruce glared once but decided it wasn't worth the argument and sped off toward one of his favorite restaurants. 

Joker tightened his grip on Bruce and grinned, trying to memorize the feel of Bruce's body against his.


	12. Chapter 12

Bruce couldn't believe what he was doing. Bringing the Joker on a date? What the hell was wrong with him? But knowing the Joker, he'd just force the issue anyway, so it might be better to humor him. Otherwise. .. Bruce shuddered to think of what the insane man would do if Bruce didn't comply. Blow something up, kill some people, expose his secret identity? Bruce's lips turned up into a snarl. Unacceptable. He could do this. 

He parked the bike in front of his favorite restaurant, Acquolina, a fancy Italian place. As he went to pull off his helmet, Bruce noticed how close Joker was and how little he had minded on the way over. He pulled his helmet off and hung it on the handlebars before muttering, "You can let go of me now." He felt oddly bereft as the Joker slowly pulled his arms from around Bruce's torso, sliding away as slowly as possible to keep as much contact as he could. Bruce closed his eyes but didn't argue.

Joker grinned at the other man's back. So... Bruce wasn't unaffected. The thought made the Joker strangely giddy. Maybe they would make progress today! He held onto Bruce's shoulders as he got off the bike, and he was mildly surprised that Bruce allowed it and without a sound. 

Bruce got off the bike too and inclined his head to the Joker, indicating that he should follow, as he walked to the front door. 

Before Bruce could even touch the handle, the proprietor yanked the door open, "Oh, Mr. Wayne! Buona giornata! Incantevole per rivederla, signore!"

Bruce shook the man's hand as he replied in Italian and asked for a secluded table. The overeager man nodded and took two menus from the greeting station as he beckoned for the them to follow him to a table in the back.

Bruce went into automatic date mode and held out Joker's chair without even thinking about it. 

Joker giggled, "Thanks, Brucie! I didn't know you were such a gentleman." He teased.

Bruce felt his face flush, "It's habit." He muttered. 

"I think it's charming." Joker said, pretending to look at the menu. He was watching Bruce's reactions out of the corner of his eyes. 

Bruce's opened his mouth but stopped his angry retort. The Joker was putting off a weird vibe... could he actually mean it? He decided to let it go, to test if Joker was being truthful. Instead he asked, "Can you even read Italian?"

"Ahh...no. You caught me, doll. I was just gonna randomly say something to impress you." Joker snarked back. 

It took both men by surprise when Bruce threw his head back and laughed. Joker grinned, proud of himself. That was the moment when he could visably see Bruce's guard lower a little. Joker relaxed, apparently they were going to make some progress today after all! 

****************

"So then Penguin picks up one of his umbrellas, trying to shoot Batman, and as he opens it, it explodes in a shower of glitter and bathtub duckies!"

Joker howled with laughter as Bruce finished his story. 

"So when GCPD picked him up, he was still covered in glitter, spitting some out of his mouth, while yelling about how Batman was going to die for humiliating him." Bruce paused to take a breath, "I don't think he ever found out who switched out his umbrellas, either."

Joker's grin widened, "I might, uhhhh, know."

"You did?" Bruce chuckled, "Why?"

"He might have had a plan about eliminating the Batman and I couldn't have that, you know." He paused, thinking, "Something about snipers on the roof and the umbrella he was going for was an amped up version of Scarecrow's toxin. Somethin' like that."

Bruce checked his watch, eyes widening. They had been at the restaurant for two hours! He hadn't even noticed. 

"Time to go?" Joker asked softly. 

Bruce nodded and gestured for the waiter to bring the check. He handed his card to the waiter and dialed Lucius' number with the other hand. 

"Ahhh, there you are!" Lucius answered. 

"Sorry, Lucius. Took longer than expected." He said, eyeing Joker. 

"No problem, son. But the Board is getting antsy."

Bruce signed the slip of paper the waiter brought back and pocketed his card. He motioned the Joker to the front door as he talked to Lucius. 

Joker walked in front of Bruce, slightly disappointed that this was ending so soon. But his heart jolted as he felt Bruce's hand rest lightly on his lower back, as if leading him out. He risked a quick glance at Bruce to see if it was intentional or just another habit. Bruce met his eye and gave Joker a small half smile that could have meant anything. 

Bruce, after promising Lucius he was on his way, hung up his phone. He said goodbye to the owner, who graciously opened the door once again, and steered Joker to his bike. His hand slipped more to the man's waist but Bruce pretended he hadn't noticed. It was purely habit, at least that's what Bruce told himself. 

Bruce put his helmet on and sat on the bike, waiting for Joker to get situated. Bruce did notice that Joker wound himself closer than ever to him; his arms locked tightly around Bruce's torso, his head resting on Bruce's shoulder. Instead of saying anything, Bruce just let the man get comfortable and sped out into traffic back to Wayne Enterprises. 

*********

The date had gone better than anyone could have expected, even better than the Joker himself had expected. He pulled himself as close to Bruce as possible, fusing every possible part of him to the other man. Who knew if he'd ever get the chance again. 

All too soon, they were back at Wayne Enterprises. Joker's mouth pulled down in dismay. Bruce pulled off his helmet and braced himself against the ground so Joker could get off the bike. Joker stood and wrapped his arms around his neck and leaned down so he could whisper into Bruce's ear. 

"I had a swell time today, cupcake." He let go and got off the bike. He stared at Bruce as he got off and stood in front of Joker awkwardly.

Should he? Eh, what the hell, Joker grinned and decided to push his luck. He crowded into Bruce and put his hands on his chest, bracing himself, "Don't dates usually end with a kiss, Brucie?" 

Before Bruce could respond, Joker kissed him. Bruce responded before he had thought about it. Like this whole date, his playboy persona took over, and the next thing Bruce knew, he was kissing the Joker back. 

Joker let out a moan of approval into Bruce's mouth. Bruce's arms automatically went around the Joker's back and pulled the man closer. He felt Joker's arms wound around his neck. Unfortunately Bruce's mind chose to return and with it, his good sense. Bruce pulled back, panting for breath. Joker looked at Bruce and rested their foreheads together, breath mingling. 

"Gonna run away again, pretty boy?" Joker whispered.

"Probably." Bruce answered just as quietly. 

Joker was the first to pull away, giving Bruce a sad smile, "Thanks for the wonderful date. Go back to work." He threw over his shoulder as he walked away. 

"Hey, Joker." Bruce called out before he could stop himself. He waited until Joker turned to look back at him, "I had a good time too." It was worth the slight humiliation to see the grin return to Joker's face, "I hope you know that this doesn't change anything though. I'll still catch you and bring you in."

"Oh, yeah, cupcake?" Joker's grinned had a bit of an insane edge to it again, "You're right, it's not going to change. I'm not gonna become your new sidekick. Just wait to see what else I have in store for you!" He cackled and blew a kiss at Bruce as he started walking away again. 

Bruce smiled and shook his head bemused. Surprisingly he wasn't all that worried about it. He turned and headed into the building, aiming for Lucius' office. 

"You'll hate yourself later, Bruce. " He muttered to himself. Strangely enough, though, he trusted Joker not to kill anyone, for now anyway.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating goes up in this one!

Officer Bolton turned his cruiser west, toward GCPD after a long twelve hour shift. A sudden splash of purple caught his attention. He slowed his car, creeping around the same corner. 

"Only one creep in this city wears a purple coat. " He muttered to himself, reaching for his radio. 

As he turned the corner, the person in question walked under a lamp and Bolton could faintly see the green hair coloring. 

"This is unit 435, requesting backup on Fuller Street. I think I have the Joker in my sights. Again, this is officer Richard Bolton requesting immediate backup on Fuller Street. Over." His heart started pounding in his chest... imagine him, finding the Joker! He'd be promoted! He grinned to himself as he waited for backup. 

***************** 

Joker walked along, lost in his thoughts. His date with Batsy had gone better than expected. He had expected Bruce to try and tell him no and it to take a lot longer to get the stubborn man to agree. Joker giggled, pleased.

He should have been more aware of his surroundings. Running footsteps pulled him out of his thoughts. 

"Freeze, Joker!" A voice shouted behind him. 

Joker paused midstep and turned dangerously, "Go away!" He growled. 

"Freeze or I'll shoot!" The cop shouted, gun pointed at Joker's chest. 

Joker's lip turned up in a snarl, teeth grinding together. He put his arms up in the air. 

Officer Bolton sighed in relief when the Joker put his hands up with minimal fuss. He heard police cars pull up behind him. Finally, his back-up had arrived. He was paying too much attention to the other cops and he missed one of Joker's hands darting to his pocket, rattlesnake quick. When Bolton returned his attention to the Joker, his eyes widened in alarm when he saw the knife in Joker's hand. He quickly realized he was going to die.

Joker knew that he couldn't kill the man, (even though he had it comin! His inner voice shouted). Bats wouldn't approve, and Joker had made so much progress! Joker sighed inwardly and readjusted his grip on the knife, letting it fly at the cop in front of him. With the adjusted grip, the handle hit the man in the skull, knocking him unconscious. Joker turned to run and came face to face with a gun. 

"Well...Fuck." Joker cursed as another cop came behind him and handcuffed him. He looked around, counting the cops. He sighed in resignation. He'd have to give for now and miss his date with Batman. He couldn't do anything without killing anyone and it wasn't worth risking disappointing his Bats.

"The things a man will do for love, eh, copper?" Joker giggled as a confused cop pushed him into the back of a car. 

"Like you know what love is, freak!" The cop retorted, slamming the door shut before the Joker could answer. 

*************  
Bruce was suiting up for the night when his phone rang. He frowned when Commissioner Gordon's number flashed on the screen. 

"Commissioner."

"Batman." Gordon said, sounding breathless, "We caught the Joker."

Bruce paled, what had Joker done?! He knew he shouldn't have trusted him. Bruce took a deep breath before replying, "Where?"

"West on Fuller Street, near Lucie's Diner."

"I'll be there soon." Bruce hung up and finished putting on his suit. He jammed his mask on, clicking the button to open the Tumbler. He climbed in and sped off.

************  
When Bruce got to Lucie's Diner, he parked the Tumbler down a deserted alley. He spotted the Commissioner and walked over to him. Bruce noticed a cruiser pulling away and a forlorn Joker in the back. His eyes widened when he saw Batman and Joker mouthed "Bats!" And then the car was gone. 

"Commissioner." Batman said, turning to the other man, "What happened?" He noticed an officer being put onto a stretcher, but he was surprised at the lack of blood. 

"Officer Bolton noticed the Joker on his way back to the precinct. He called in backup and attempted to stall him. He didn't have time to get off a shot when Joker attacked him. Threw a knife at the poor man." Gordon explained, watching Bolton get loaded into the ambulance. 

Something didn't seem right to Bruce, "Is the officer going to live?"

"Strangest thing, actually. Joker is usually amazing with a knife, especially throwing them. But he missed." Gordon's brow furrowed in thought, "Bolton wasn't stabbed. The handle of the knife hit him in the head and knocked him out."

"What?" Bruce asked, dumbfounded. 

"I know! I've never known Joker to miss a..." Gordon trailed off as he turned to look back at Batman and there was only empty space, "Figures." Gordon muttered and walked over to his car. 

*************

Bruce sat in the Tumbler, thinking. He hit the button for the Batcave. 

"Hello, sir." Alfred answered. 

"Alfred, I need you to access the files at Arkham."

"All right, sir." Alfred answered. Bruce could hear the clacking of the computer keys. After a few moments, Alfred came back on, "I'm in. What do you need, Master Bruce?"

"I need to know if Joker has been processed yet and what number cell he's in."

"...sir?"

Bruce sighed, "I need to talk to him, Alfred. He's...been different. I need to know why they took him in. Gordon said he attacked an officer. I have to know why."

"All right, Master Bruce. But I have to ask for your wellbeing... do you have feelings for him?"

Bruce hesitated, "No."

"Then why are you going to see him, sir? Wouldn't it be better for him to stay in Arkham? Maybe he'd get the hint and leave you alone?"

"I...I don't know, Alfred."

"It looks like Joker has been processed and he's in his usual cell in isolation." Alfred paused, "Well, sir, if you need me, call. I'll be up for a while longer. Be careful, Master Bruce."

Bruce clicked the communicator off and headed toward Arkham. 

*************  
Joker laid on his cot, "Nothing like home sweet home." He hummed softly. He was full of his usual manic energy, fingers moving, feet tapping to a rhythm only he could hear. He threw an arm over his eyes to block out Arkham's harsh, unforgiving lights.

Joker heard the door at the end of the hall open. Must be change of guard, he thought. The door shut but Joker didn't hear any footsteps. He frowned, that was odd. He took his arm off his face, intending to get up and go to the door. He faintly noticed the dim emergency lights turning on. He got as far as sitting on the side of the cot when the lights turned off. Goosebumps rose on Joker's whole body. Only one person could turn off Arkham's relentless lights... Joker stilled, closing his eyes to concentrate. 

Heavy bootsteps echoed down the hall. Joker grinned and opened his eyes, waiting. The door clicked opened and Joker's grin widened. He could faintly see the huge, hulking silouette of his Bats. 

"Well, well, well. Welcome to my, ah, humble abode, Batsy. Come for a late night romp?" Joker laughed. 

"Joker." Bruce paused, wondering what to say, "What happened?"

Joker let out an exaggerated sigh and sat across his cot, back resting on the wall. He patted the other side, inviting Bruce to sit. He was pleasantly surprised when Batman actually sat next to him. 

"Well, Batsy. I was just walking around, minding my own business, when I was so rudely attacked! By a cop, too!" Joker giggled. 

"Joker." Batman growled. 

Joker put his hands up in surrender, knowing Bruce could see him in the dim lights, "All right, all right! I wasn't lying, Bats. I was walking in the Narrows, thinking of the fun you and I could have tonight when a rude cop pointed his gun at me. I only knocked him out, I promise! I didn't kill anyone!"

"Why?" Bruce whispered, nonplussed, "You went against everything you are."

Joker shrugged, "You really haven't figured it out yet, Batsy?"

Bruce stilled, like a dear in headlights, "What?"

"For the world's greatest detective, you sure are blind." Joker giggled, "Just like a bat!" 

Before Bruce could respond, Joker clambered to his knees and straddled Bruce's thighs. With his back to the wall and Joker on his lap, Bruce was trapped. Joker rested his arms on Bruce's shoulders. He wormed his fingers under the other man's mask. Bruce tried to protest, clasping Joker's wrists to still him.

"Sh, sh, sh. No one can see. I know you better than that, cupcake. You wouldn't have come in without doing something about the cameras." Joker whispered. 

Bruce cursed his traitorous hands as they let go of Joker. He pulled the mask off and let it fall to the bed. Bruce blinked, trying to adjust to the sudden dark. He felt Joker's hands cup his face. Joker leaned in and kissed Bruce. 

When he was sure they were both breathless, Joker pulled back, leaning his forehead against Bruce's. 

"How much time have we got, sugar?" He panted. 

"About fifteen minutes." Bruce answered softly. 

"Good. Just enough time." Joker's hands wandered down Batman's chest. 

"For what?" Bruce asked warily. 

"Just sit back and enjoy the ride, darling." Joker purred into Bruce's ear. 

Bruce jumped when he felt Joker's hand reach into his leggings -what the hell had happened to his armor?! - and pulled out his stiff cock. 

"What the hell?!" Bruce growled as he felt Joker slither off the bed, landing on his knees with a sharp crack.

Joker just grinned, not even feeling the pain in his legs, "Shhh, cupcake. I said to just enjoy the ride."

Bruce let out a startled groan when he felt Joker's tongue lick his length, "Urgh, Joker!" He threw his head back, wincing as his unarmored skull hit the cement wall. The pain in his head was quickly forgotten as Joker swirled his tongue around the base and licked a stripe up, concentrating on the little bundle of nerves just under the head of Bruce's cock. 

Bruce gasped and involuntarily arched up into that hot mouth. Joker's lips closed around his cock, hand around the base, twisting for a little extra friction. 

Bruce's hand tangled in Joker's green locks, setting a furious pace. Joker glanced up at him, encouraging. Joker looking at him with his cock sliding in and out of his mouth was one of the hottest things Bruce had ever seen. A wave of heat was building in Bruce's stomach. A swirl of that devil tongue around his head was all it took. Bruce's release crashed over him. 

Joker hummed in approval and tried to swallow every drop. It spilled over his lips and ran down his chin. When he was sure Bruce was spent, he released Bruce's cock with a soft pop. He could see Bruce panting, as if he'd run a marathon. 

He swiped his wrist over his chin and Joker stood and straddled Batsy before he could move. He didn't wait to see if Bruce would say anything, Joker just leaned in and kissed the other man. 

It was like a switch had been hit. Bruce came alive. His arms wrapped around Joker's back, pulling the man into his chest. His tongue plundered that sweet mouth. Bruce groaned into his mouth, causing Joker to shiver. Bruce picked Joker up off his lap and lay him on the bed, never breaking the kiss. 

Joker's hands traced Batman's back. Bruce pulled back to take a breath and Joker opened his mouth to say something. A whoosh of air escaped him as Bruce's talented mouth and tongue moved to his neck. Joker arched his neck, allowing the other man more room. His hips ground up into Batsy's. He almost came when Bruce closed his teeth on Joker's neck, biting down. 

"Ah, yes, Batsy! Harder!" His voice had deepened a few octaves. 

Bruce came back to himself when he tasted blood on his tongue. He pulled back, starting down at the Joker. 

"Aw, don't stop now, sugar!" Joker whined. 

Bruce opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by a small beeping coming from his comm. He cursed and sat up, putting his suit back together and frantically searching for his cowl. Joker grinned and held it up to him. Bruce gave him a half smile and put it back on. He pressed one last kiss to Joker's lips and said, "Until next time."

Joker felt Batman's weight leaving him and whined deep in his throat. Bruce's eyes flicked to his before he was out the door. The lights came on moments later, blinding Joker. 

He sat up on the cot, waiting for his eyes to adjust, fingers playing over his bleeding neck. Joker smiled. When his eyes had adjusted finally, he looked back over at his door. He frowned, something didn't look right. Joker went over to inspect it. 

When he got to the door, Joker grinned. Batsy hadn't shut it enough for the door to lock! Pulling the door open, he stuck his head out and checked either side of the hallway. Batsy was such a doll! Apparently Joker was getting a reward for being good!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of fluffy goodness

As Bruce entered the cave, Gordon called with news on the Joker. He had escaped his cell only a couple hours after being brought in. Bruce left off with a promise to try and get a lead on Joker as soon as possible. 

Bruce climbed the stairs into the mansion wearily. He shook his head in disbelief. What was it about Joker that made him lose his senses? Bruce couldn't believe that he had helped Joker escape. What would his parents think? What would Alfred think? 

Thankfully the kitchen was empty as Bruce passed through. He took the stairs two at a time, anxious to get into the shower and into bed. 

As Bruce was stepping into the shower, he heard his phone chime from next to his bed. He frowned. Who the hell would be calling him at dawn? He rushed his shower, toweled off quickly, and threw on a pair of sweatpants before sprawling on his bed. Bruce reached over to his nightstand and grabbed his phone, wincing at the bright light. It was a text from an unknown number. 

'Thanks for visiting tonight and for the help, doll. I'll have to return the favor sometime. Xoxo'

Bruce hit reply without even thinking about it. 'I needed to hear why you were arrested. I had to know...if you killed someone.' He typed back, hitting send. 

The response was almost immediate, 'Nah, cupcake. Wouldn't want to end our fun so soon. I'm playing for keeps this time.'

Bruce's felt like there were butterflies in his stomach. He chalked it up to not eating. Before he could respond there was another message. 

'Whatcha up to, darling? Shouldn't all nocturnal creatures be in bed already?'

Bruce chuckled lightly and replied, 'Laying in bed, about to go to sleep. You're right, it is time for all nocturnal creatures to sleep. Goodnight.'

Again, the response was almost instantaneous, 'Wish I was there, dollface. Although we probably wouldn't get any sleep ;)'

Bruce replied before he could stop himself, 'Me too. Goodnight.' He blanched when he realized what he had typed. Bruce turned the ringtone off and put the phone on his nightstand. He rolled over onto his stomach and tried to fall asleep. 

***********  
Joker stared at the cellphone in his hand. Maybe Bruce was getting the picture! He grinned and his shoulders felt a little lighter. So... his Batsy wanted him, did he? Who was he to say no? 

Joker got up from his makeshift bed on the floor of one of his hideouts. He put on his purple coat and put the cell in a pocket. He heard it clang against a couple of knives. Walking out the door and into the street, Joker started to whistle. He couldn't wait to see Brucie's face! 

*********

Joker walked up the driveway to Bruce's mansion, keeping a watch out for any lights turning on. The house was all dark, except for a light near the back. Joker went around to peek into the window. It was the kitchen and it was deserted. Joker went over to the door and chuckled as it opened easily under his hand. 

"Rich people never lock their doors." He muttered before going in. He shut the door quietly and looked around. He was insatiably curious about his Bat's daytime mask. He went over to the fridge, looking to see if there was anything interesting. 

Joker froze when he heard the click of a shotgun behind him. He grinned and slowly turned. 

"Alfie, is it?" Joker drawled. 

"What are you doing here?" Alfred asked, face stern. 

"Figured I'd surprise Brucie." Joker found himself being strangely honest. 

The shotgun lowered slightly, "What are your intentions with Master Bruce?" 

"Honestly, Alfie? I want him to hang around. I'm not going to be the one to kill him." Joker's eyes hardened, "And if anyone ever does, they'll be sorry." 

The shotgun was laid on the counter, "Very good, sir. Just so you know, if you hurt him, I'll kill you myself." 

Joker saluted and giggled , "Aye, Aye, Jeeves." He turned to go up the stairs. 

"Last door on the right. I'll add another plate to breakfast." Alfred called. 

*******

Joker opened Bruce's bedroom door silently and poked his head in. Across the room, he could make out Bruce's naked back in the moonlight. He slipped in the room, closing the door. He took his jacket off and slung it over a chair, throwing his shirt over it and toed off his shoes. 

Joker walked over to the bed, staring down at Bruce. His brow furrowed as an unfamiliar sensation fluttered in his stomach. He let his pants slip to the floor, leaving Joker in his boxers. He pulled back the blankets and slid into the bed. Bruce mumbled in his sleep and turned over in his back. Joker moved closer and put his head on Bruce's shoulder, an arm wrapped around his waist. 

Bruce stirred, something didn't feel right. He was boiling hot! He threw the blanket off but it didn't help. He opened his eyes, frustrated, and saw a blanket of green. He was momentarily confused, his blankets were black? Then his senses came to him. Bruce noticed the arm around his waist and the heat was from the body pressed against his. He looked over at the clock, wondering if he was dreaming. It was only six am. He rolled his eyes and sighed. 

"Too early to worry about it." He mumbled. He tightened his arm around Joker's shoulders, pressed a light kiss to the top of his head, and went back to sleep. 

Joker held still as he felt Bruce waking. He wasn't sure what the reaction would be. He could feel the tension in his shoulders relax as Bruce's grip tightened and the fluttery feeling was back as Bruce kissed him. He felt Bruce's breathing slow as he went back to sleep. Joker concentrated on matching their breaths and went to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and happy holidays! I had a request for an update for Christmas so here it is! :)

Bruce woke up with a start. Something felt wrong. There was a light brushing touch on his abdomen. He opened his eyes and started. Joker was staring up at him.

“Morning, dollface.” Joker mumbled.

“How... did you get in here? The alarm should have gone off.” Bruce said, bewildered.

Joker started giggling, “Does ole Alfie watch the cameras? The kitchen door was unlocked and there wasn't an alarm.”

Bruce sighed, “Yeah, Alfred watches the camera. He is also supposed to set the alarm before he goes to bed. Did you come through the gate and down the driveway?”

Joker nodded.

“He saw you coming. The gate is supposed to be locked and alarmed, too. He let you come in.”

Joker cackled, “He's a smart cookie, that one.”

Bruce looked over at the clock and sighed again, “He must have canceled my meeting for today too. He didn't wake me up for it at eleven like he usually would.”

“So does that mean we can stay in all day?” Joker waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Bruce laughed, “No, I'm sure Alfred will be up momentarily.” He took his arm from around Joker's shoulders, “Up.” 

Joker grumbled but relented. Bruce got up on the other side, “I'll be back. I'm jumping in the shower.”

“Can I join you, sugar?” Joker batted his eyelashes. 

Bruce chuckled and disappeared into the bathroom, ignoring the other man. He left the bathroom door cracked open. The shower spray turned on.

“Well! If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is!” Joker said, skipping over to the bathroom door. He poked his head in, waiting for Bruce to yell at him. Nothing. Bruce was turned away from the door in the massive glass encased shower, head under the spray washing his hair. Joker went over, shedding his boxers, and opened the door to slip in. He watched Bruce carefully, waiting for the yell or the hit or something. When it didn't come, Joker slipped in and sidled up to Bruce, arms going around his waist. He pressed a kiss to Bruce's muscled shoulder. Bruce tensed up slightly, he had heard Joker coming in. He wanted to see what Joker would do. 

Bruce turned in Joker's embrace and leaned his forehead against the painted on. He smirked, “Your makeup is running. You look like that sad clown painting.”

Joker grinned, “We-ll, if someone wasn't hogging all the water...”

Bruce flipped them around so Joker was standing under the spray. He reached over and grabbed his shampoo and poured a dollop into his hand. He lathered up Joker's green curls. 

Joker closed his eyes and let Bruce work his magic. The fingers on his scalp were soothing. A shiver ran down his spine as Bruce's nails scratched his scalp. He felt himself hardening. Joker pulled Bruce closer and pressed against his hip. 

“Tilt your head back.” Bruce whispered hoarsely. Joker complied and Bruce rinsed the soap out of his hair. Then he grabbed a washcloth off the shelf and lathered it up with a bar of soap, “Keep your eyes closed.” He ran the facecloth over Joker's face, trying to get rid of the running makeup to no avail.

“You'll have to do a bit harder, darling. This stuff takes a lot to get off.” Joker murmured.  
   
Bruce applied a bit more pressure and soon the makeup was gone. He threw the dirty cloth into the corner and grabbed a clean one. He lathered it up again and worked on the rest of Joker's body. He paid special attention to the bite mark, making him groan and arch into Bruce's hip. Before he could think about it, Bruce licked one of Joker's scars while his hand trailed down the lean stomach and grasped his hardness. He licked his way down the unmarked side of his neck and bit down. Joker gasped and thrust into his hand. Bruce stroked lightly, slightly unsure if he was doing it right. 

Joker felt Bruce's hesitation. He reached down and covered the hand with his own, tightening the grip to how he liked it. Bruce let the other hand guide him, taking note about what made Joker moan. He leaned his head on Bruce's shoulder, breathing heavily into his ear.  

"Cum for me." He growled. He felt the other man stiffen in his arms and heard him groan. Joker relaxed and pulled away. Bruce was slightly disappointed until his head was grabbed and their lips crashed together. The kiss was animalistic rough, a taste of iron from a lip splitting open. Bruce groaned into the kiss. He was so worked up that when Joker took him in hand, it only took a few pulls before his release overtook him. 

Joker pulled away and rested his forehead against Bruce's. "You're absolutely perfect, you know that, cupcake?" He murmured sweetly, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of Bruce's mouth. 

Bruce blushed slightly and shivered in the cooling water. He reached behind Joker and switched off the water. 

"Let's get out of here." He muttered. He turned to open the shower door but Joker caught his hand. 

"Don't get caught up in your head, doll. We're finally making some progress. Don't let your head talk you out of anything." Joker said softly, he could feel the rising storm beneath Bruce's skin.

Bruce jerked his hand away, nodding tightly, staring at the bathroom door. Joker sighed and let him get out. 

Bruce wrapped a towel around his waist and went to the linen closet to get one for the other man. He threw it in Joker's direction without looking at him. He opened the door to his bedroom and went over to his closet, soft padding footsteps following. He pulled some clothes off the hangers, not looking at what was grabbed. It was all black anyway, he reasoned. He dried off quickly, throwing on some clean boxers. 

There was a whistle behind him, "Slow down the show, Batsy. I wanna enjoy it."

Bruce turned to glare at the Joker. He was leaning against the door, grinning. He only had a towel around his hips and Bruce found himself thinking that Joker looked perfect like that. Mostly naked, scarred, and oh so appealing. Bruce froze as he realized what he had just thought, how could he possibly think that about the Joker, of all people?! He was Batman! He was justice, he was supposed to be incorruptible! 

"I'm screwed." Bruce whispered to himself. 

He had underestimated Joker's hearing though, "Well, not yet, darling. But if you'd like...?" He smirked at Bruce. 

"You wish!" Bruce growled. 

" 'Methinks the lady doth protest too much'." Joker said, slinking towards the other. He stopped in front of the half dressed man and gave Bruce the sweetest, most heart stopping kiss he'd ever had. Bruce felt butterflies when Joker pulled back to look into his eyes. 

"So screwed." He muttered, leaning in to kiss Joker again.


	16. Chapter 16

Selina Kyle snapped her whip around the neck of a security guard. 

"Sorry, sweetie. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do." She drawled. 

The guard wrapped a hand around the whip, trying to loosen it so he could breathe, "Please.... do what you want! I have a family! Don't kill me!"

"Oh, no, no! I won't kill you." She pulled him toward her with the whip. When he was close enough, she punched him in the temple, knocking him out. She grinned and skipped towards the safe set in the wall. 

She fiddled with the combination lock before it clicked, "Quick and easy." She purred, taking the money and the rest of the contents of the safe. 

Selina jumped as something embedded itself in the wall next to her head. She glanced at it and realized it must be an infamous batarang.

"I was wondering when I'd get to meet you, Batman. I've been in town for months and- " She turned to assess her foe, "if you keep a girl waiting so long, she'll think she's not important anymore!" She grinned.

Batman stood a few feet in front of her, imposing and dark, "Put it back." 

Selina slinked forward and when she was close enough, she put her hands flat on Batman's chest, "But I've worked SO hard to get it, handsome." Her lips pursed into a pout.

Bruce grabbed Selina's wrists, "I'm taking you in." He let go of one wrist to grab a pair of cuffs. 

"You're gonna arrest me?" She breathed, claws scratching the Kevlar. Looking up to make sure Batman was distracted, she jabbed her claws into flesh and pulled sideways along the gap in the plates. He pulled her claws out and she took the opportunity to punch him in the face, knocking him to the ground. 

She flipped over him and ran to the door. As she was slipping out she said over her shoulder, "Never forget that a cat has claws, handsome."

By the time Bruce got to the door, she was gone.

* * *

When Bruce got back to the Tumbler, he radioed Alfred and asked him to look up this mysterious Catwoman. 

“Cat . . . woman, sir?” Alfred questioned.

“Yes, Alfred. She dressed up in a leather catsuit and had a whip and claws and everything.”

“Sounds right up your alley, sir.” Alfred joked.

“Ha. Ha. I have enough going on in my life, Alfred. I don't need another criminal too. See if she's wanted for any robberies. She was breaking into a safe when I found her.”

Bruce could hear the keys clicking as Alfred searched. After a moment, Alfred spoke up, “I found a couple of newspaper articles about this so-called Catwoman. But there's also a mug shot from GCPD. Her real name is Selina Kyle. Picked up for grand larceny. She was supposed to serve in Blackgate but she managed to escape a few days into her stay. I'll print out everything I can find so you can look it over, sir.”

“Thanks, Alfred. I'll keep an eye out. Before you go to bed, will you set out the sewing kit? Just in case I need stitches.”

“Come home and I'll check you out myself, sir. You always botch up your stitches.”

Bruce hung up with a chuckle, knowing Alfred was always right.

* * *

Alfred got out the medical supplies and didn't have long to wait before he could hear the rumbling of an engine. Bruce parked the Tumbler and got out, stumbling a bit. 

“All right, Master Bruce, let's see it.”

“It's not that bad, Alfred, I just wanted to make sure.” Bruce started taking off the armor piece by piece. He sat down on a chair Alfred had pulled over. He took off his undershirt, noting it was damp with blood. He looked down at his chest to see the damage. There were four claw marks, stretching from one side of his collar bone to the other. 

“Not that bad, he says.” Alfred retorted sarcastically. 

“It-uh. It didn't feel this bad when it happened.”

Alfred rolled his eyes as he cleaned the area and started stitching, “I can't wait to see how your new . . . friend reacts.”

Bruce froze, “You don't think he'd . . . do anything to her, do you?”

“That's something you'd have to ask him, sir.”

* * *

Bruce was laying in bed just before dawn when he heard his door open and soft footsteps approach the bed. There was a rustle of clothing before the sheets pulled back and another body slipped in behind Bruce. An arm slipped around his naked waist and Joker pulled Bruce close. 

“Where have you been?” Bruce growled softly.

“Worried about lil ole me?” Joker asked, adopting a fake southern belle accent.

“Worried about what you're doing to my city.” Bruce turned on his back so he could see the Joker. 

Joker's eyes immediately trained on the bandage across his chest. He ran his fingers over it gently, watching how Bruce reacted.

“Should I be jealous, doll?” Joker grinned. 

Joker looked unaffected but Bruce knew the slight tone in his voice meant trouble, “No. It was nothing. Just another criminal. Don't worry about it.”

Joker stared at Bruce, “You know I get jealous when you run around with other criminals, cupcake.”

“I'm . . . aware.” Bruce said slowly, “I've seen how . . . jealous you get when Maroni took Batman's time away from you.” 

“As long as you know.” Joker replied, wiggling about to get closer to the other man, “So who did it? Do I have to kill him?” Joker said playfully.

“No killing!” Bruce growled, “And, no. She's nothing to worry about.”

Joker froze, “She?”

“Nothing to worry about.” Bruce said again, kissing Joker, hoping to distract him. It worked and Joker kissed Bruce back, bracing his hand knowingly on the bandage, making Bruce groan, “I always knew you were a freak, just like me.” 

Bruce tensed up, just slightly but enough for Joker to notice, “Go to sleep.” He said stiffly. He was surprised when Joker didn't push, he just settled down. 

“I don't want you to run from me anymore.” Joker whispered, instinctively knowing what Bruce was thinking. He nestled his head into Bruce's shoulder, “Haven't you figured it out yet, doll?”

“Figured out what?!” Bruce snapped.

Joker sighed, “When you get your head out of your ass long enough, you'll figure it out. And when that time comes, you'll be ready for me to tell you.”

Bruce ignored Joker and the sinking feeling that he was finally starting to have an inkling about what Joker had been alluding to. He pushed the half formed thought away, it was absurd! There was no way in hell. He shook himself slightly. Joker chuckled softly but didn't say anything. 

* * *

Another uneventful night passed. Bruce stood at the top of a building, listening for any crime or cries for help. He heard the click of heels coming up behind him. He turned to meet the person. 

“Hello there, handsome. I knew I'd find you eventually.” Selina called out. 

“What do you want, Selina?” He growled.

“Awe, you looked me up! I'm flattered!” She gushed mockingly, putting her hands to her chest like she was touched.

“What. Do. You. Want?” Bruce reiterated through clenched teeth.

“I felt bad about how our last meeting went. I wanted to see you to make sure there were no hard feelings.” She slowly stepped closer to Batman until there was only an inch or two separating them. She lightly touch his collarbone where she gouged him. He watched warily. 

“There are all sorts of feelings.” Bruce said, “Such as I feel like I should take you to Blackgate.”

“Oh but then we wouldn't be able to have any fun!” She replied, sneaking her hand up behind Bruce's neck. 

“I don't have fun.” 

“You know what they say, 'All work and no play . . . '. You need to have some fun in life!” She smiled enticingly and winked. Before Bruce could respond, Selina pulled his head down into a kiss. 

Bruce froze. What the . . .? He gently pushed her away, “No, Selina.”

“Why not, handsome?” She purred, “You can't tell me you don't feel the . . . attraction between us.” She leaned up to kiss him again. Her lips brushed his before he managed to pull away, this time putting some distance between them. 

“I feel . . . something between us.” Bruce started, “But this can't happen. I'm working.”

“Fine.” Selina pouted, “Just remember, the offer is on the table.” She turned and darted away into the blackness. 

Bruce sighed and turned to go home.

* * *

Joker whistled a merry tune, he was going to check on Batsy and see if he could catch a ride in his swanky vehicle of his. He had been busy all night setting up for another game. Hopefully this one would pull Brucie out of his shell a little more. They were SO close! 

Joker hopped across a couple rooftops until he saw a shadow of who he wanted. He froze when he saw Batsy was with a woman. A flash of rage crossed his face when he saw how close they were standing, this must be the bitch that marked his Batsy. His whole body started shaking with restrained fury when he saw her kiss him. He couldn't hear what they were saying, Joker was too focused on her lipstick over his Brucey's mouth. He turned away when she leaned in for another kiss. 

Joker couldn't watch anymore. He could feel his heart breaking. He glanced back and saw her -whoever she was in a skin-tight catsuit- traipse away. He watched as Bruce jumped over the edge of the building. He started cackling madly. Fine, Brucey wanted to play this way? Wanted to fall for this . . . cat bitch? 

“Fine. Finefinefine!” Joker grinned, feeling his scars stretch to the limit, “I'll play MY way now!” He turned to go back the way he came, “Here, kitty, kitty!” He called into the night, “There's more than one way to skin a cat!” He shouted and laughed long and hard. It echoed for miles.


End file.
